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10:10am 13/03/2011
  my arms haven't looked this bad in literally years. i don't know what i'm doing anymore  
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11:26am 09/03/2011
  I'm in such a low place right now. i have so much to say, that i need to say, but i don't know how to get it all down. And i don't have the time either before Spooner gets back and starts peering over my shoulder, and as ususal this whole thing revolves around him.

suffice it to say, i'm miserable and i want to leave him but i can't and i know staying together for the sake of our daughter is a stupid idea because i'll end up resenting him and making things worse, but i wouldn't know what to do on my own anyway and at the moment i'm in no fit state to be a single mum, my heads so fucked up atm.

leaving spooner should be the first thing on my long list to stopping myself being miserable, but instead its not even in the top ten, things like killing myself or just running away is at the top of that list. my heads just a jumbled mess of fucked right now. gargh! and i have a cold, quite a bad one, which isn't helping the fuzzy head feeling go away.

why must things be so complicated. scratch that, why must i always make things so fucking complicated.
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bloody, bloody, bloody...   
08:42pm 09/02/2011
mood: fuck!
fuck! fucking fuck! this is now my ranting journal it would appear, for things i can't say on Facbook.

so, i need to go to court on tuesday...Collapse )
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11:43am 01/02/2011
mood: angry
So I'm ranting on here because Spooner uses my FB.

rant away...Collapse )

/Self pitying rant.
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My hands (are bleeding!! (inside joke, you have to watch Smash Cut!))   
08:22pm 04/11/2010
mood: artistic
gah! my brain's being retarded. it won't communicate with my hands properly. I really wanna write atm, there are so many Harry Potter plots rolling around and developing, and i so wanna get it down on paper (so to speak), but my brain's just not sending the signals. I haven't written in ages! i can't even spell properly. i know the word i wanna put down but my hands just spack out and write something completely different. and i hate spelling mistakes! i would have left all the spelling mistakes in this post to show you just how bad its got but they piss me off too much. i hate reading stories with spelling mistakes, it does my nut! and now i can't spell! Gah!

I'm going senile me thinks... =/
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08:32pm 16/09/2010
  Supernatural moments to cheer you up...

Dean eating candy



Crack Theme Tune

That wasn't me...

Castiel's voicemail

I'll just...wait here then


Castiel is definately my favourite character lol

and for something completely un-Supernatural related - CSI: Miami; Sesame Street style!!
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11:21pm 14/09/2010
mood: accomplished
hazah to my new Supernatural moods and icon!

EDIT: hmm, new layout not doing what i tell it, typically. must seek mental help...
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10:07pm 12/09/2010
mood: depressed
Still not feeling good, not good at all.

I want a whisky. i want to stand outside in a sleeveless dress and have a fag and feel the cold wind against my skin. i want to be back at my parents house in Lincoln way where i used to sit on the window sil in my bedroom and smoke a fag out the window, where i used to put headphones in my ears an spend hours just listening to music, where my biggest worries were handing homework in on time and making sure my mum didn't see the fresh cuts on my arms.

I'm falling apart, again. five tiny cuts on my right wrist where i can hide them under my bracelets. i wanna cut every inch of flesh on my arms, my hands, my fucking face. but i can't, wouldn't get away with it, weather's too mild, too warm still to be wearing long sleeves all the time. not that any of my clothes fit me anymore as i've put so much weight on since being pregnant.

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11:49pm 10/09/2010
  i really wanted to cut last night. the only reason i didn't was because Faith was crying, then i bathed her and moiturised her and got her changed, and by the time i'd done all that i didn't wanna do it anymore. i swear i'm getting so fed up of this, its such a stupid cycle to be stuck in. one minute i'm great, the next i just wanna pick up a stanley knife and damage myself. i'm so tired of all this. had two fags this week, first fags i've had in about 6 months now. i just feel so worn out and its not just because of Faith. fighting these urges is so tiring. i can't wait for the day when can turn round and say "i'm an ex-self harmer" confidently.  
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11:22am 07/09/2010
mood: content
I'm sitting in bed with the rain lashing at the window listening to chill out music; Faith's asleep and Spooner's getting his car MOT'd and i can't help but be filled with a sense of peace.

nothing beats this.
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